The Price Of Forgiveness
by Lattelady
Summary: edited and re-written verion of what it takes to get Amanda and Nick back together


All things Highlander belong to whoever owns them, certainly not me. The beginning of this story is taken directly from episode Dead On Arrival. 

THE PRICE OF FORGIVENESS   
by   
Phyllis Christie   
  


_ "How long have you known?" Nick asked Amanda as they walked from the warehouse, pain, anger and confusion filling his face. _

_ "Since the day that we met." Amanda answered. Feeling as if she was about to step off the edge of a huge cliff. _

_ "Which is why you told me what you were?" _

_ "Yeah...and because I trusted you with my life," she smiled telling him the whole truth instead of just half if it. _

_ "But you didn't bother to share it with me," anger clear in Nick's voice. _

_ "It wasn't my place," she tried to explain.   
  
"But it was your place to shoot me?" _

_ "Immortality is triggered by a violent death. The poison Payton gave you was slow acting and it would kill you. Forever!" She was frantic for him to understand. _

_ "Only you couldn't just let that happen, could you?" Nick was bitter and angry.   
  
"Nooo." Amanda shook her head as pain ripped through her. Just the though of losing him was more than she could stand. _

_ "But it was my life," his voice rough with emotion. _

_ "Now it's your life forever." She forced a smile. "I gave you a gift." _

_ "You call this a gift?" Nick shook his head, trying to get a grip on the emotions that surged through him. _

_"Yes." Amanda suddenly felt alone, even though Nick was only a few feet away from her. _

_ "Hundreds, maybe thousands of years of life and all I have to do is go around decapitating people to survive, like you. That's a gift?" His voice quivered with feelings of betrayal. _

_ "But you'll see things you never imagined," fighting the tears make it hard for her to speak. _

_ "It's not a dream. It's a nightmare!" He saw the tears filling her eyes at his accusation. He turned quickly away to keep from reaching for her, as he wanted to. _  
  
Amanda stood frozen with tears running down her face. It felt as if a knife had been plunged in her heart and she kept waiting to die so she could wake up and the pain would be gone. But she didn't die and the pain didn't go away. 

_ Nick walked through the night his emotions churning, unable to think of anything else but the lose and betrayal he felt. 'Once everything was clear: hood guy, bad guys, life and death? Then you meet someone. Someone you want to love. It all changes. Death brings live. Life brings death. What room is there for love when there can be only one?' _

18 MONTHS LATER PARIS 

Amanda awoke in a sweat from the same dream that had plagued her since Nick had left. In her dream, she lived those last moments with Nick over and over again. No matter how hard she willed it, the dream was always the same and he always left her standing alone in the fog. More along than she had felt in over a thousand years of life. 

She had been a woman who loved the night, but now she dreaded it, because she knew she would most likely have the dream again. Lack of sleep and worry for Nick's safety were taking a toll on her. During the day she kept herself busy and could forget from moment to moment that he wasn't just upstairs, or off somewhere with Bert Myers. But when night came, the memories rushed back. The memories of one perfect year when an immortal woman loved a mortal man; loved him enough to keep the secret that would destroy them both. 

When the end came, it was so much worse than Amanda had thought. She had never realized that she didn't have the strength to let him die. Or that maybe, she had been carrying a hidden hope that Nick would forgive her and let things go on as they had been. So she was alone again, in The City Of Lights. A city she had always loved. Being alone wasn't a new experience. In the thousand years of her life, she had been alone most of the time. This time it hurt more and it was hard for her to understand why. 

Nick had left Paris the night he discovered he was immortal. Though Amanda had tried to talk to him, he made it clear he wanted nothing from her. She did the one thing she could do to try and assure his safety. She had contacted Connor McCloud to try and talk some sense into Nick's head. The Scotsman had known Amanda a long time and refused to do anything on her behalf, but he had agreed to do what he could for Nick so the new immortal would have a fighting chance in a world he didn't really understand.   
  
Nick had been willing to work with Connor to learn the ways of Immortality. The only caveat being that Amanda was to stay away. The Highlander had kept in touch with Amanda for the year that Nick had been training with him, but she had heard nothing from either of them since the night Connor showed up in Paris. He told her Nick had taken the sword that Amanda had had made for him and left. That had been over six months ago. 

She could still hear Connor's softly accented words as he told of Nick's progress over the year. How Nick had accepted the lovely wolf's head sword with the emerald eyes, not questioning where it came from. The young immortal had felt the grip that just fit his hand, the weight and balance of the deadly blade. Shaking his head in quiet acceptance of what had been and what was to be, but never asking who the sword was from. 

Now all Amanda could do was stay in Paris and pray for forgiveness as she fought the dream and sick fears for Nick's safety.  
  
Tonight the dream had been so intense she woke calling his name. . Seeing again the dark night, the fog and..... Nick walking away from her. As Amanda touched her damp face it took her a moment to realize that it was wet from tears, not fog, as she had dreamt. It seemed as if she had cried a thousand years worth of tears in the last two. Since the brooding ex-cop had walked out of her life she felt as if she was going to drown in her own tears. 

Filled with a sudden need to be near him, Amanda grabbed her keys and fled up the stairs to the apartment that had been his. She finished the night curled up on the bed were he had slept. Her nose buried in his pillow trying to find any scent that might be left from him, after all this time.   
  
The next morning Amanda sat at a table in her bar, The Sanctuary, going over the books. A small smile flitted across her face, at the irony of finding herself an honest businesswoman. For ten centuries she had been a thief. It had taken Nick's leaving to make her go straight. 

If she were honest with herself, she realized, the changes in her life began before Nick left. They had begun when Nick's partner had taken a bullet for her, and died. To have a mortal freely give her life to try and save Amanda's had thrown the immortal's world off center. It made her rethink many of the values that she had held dear for almost a thousand years.   
  
"Amanda," she looked up into the serious face of Joe Dawson. He leaned tiredly on his cane, shocked at the changes that had taken place in the lovely immortal since he had last seen her. Nowhere was the vibrant woman that so exasperated him. Instead a weary, unhappy woman sat in her place. 

"Nick? Please not Nick," Amanda's legs wouldn't hold her as she tried to stand.   
  
"No...Nick is fine." The Watcher who had been both a friend and a hindrance over the last twenty years reached out for Amanda as the color began to return to her face. He had meet Nick at Amanda's two years earlier. The bond between the unusual pair had been evident even then, but Joe hadn't realized how much the man had meant to Amanda, until the new immortal had left her. 

"Then why? What's wrong?" Amanda stood, knowing that someone very close to her had died. "Who?"   
  
"Sit down Amanda, we need to talk." Joe gently took her arm and led her back to her chair.   
  
"Joe, please, just tell me." 

"Its Lucy," his voice was hoarse with pain. 

"Lucy...no it can't be. We talk almost every week. I've been trying to get her to come to Paris." Amanda knew she was rambling. Then her voice became cold and hard. "Who killed her!" Her eyes glinted like twin sword points. The fear that someone had used Lucy to get back at Amanda clutched at her throat.   
  
"No Amanda, it isn't like that at all. Lucy is sick. She's dying. She doesn't have much time left. Her heart is giving out. There's nothing that can be done and she is getting weaker everyday." 

"NOOO!" Amanda buried her face in her hands and wept for her friend. "Why didn't she tell me?" 

Joe moved to the bar and poured Amanda a drink. "She didn't want to worry you. She didn't tell anyone for fear you'd find out. I don't think she wanted you to have to face this alone, but she needs you. She doesn't know I am here. She doesn't have much time left." 

"I don't understand why would a Watcher know what is going on with Lucy? She isn't immortal," Amanda argued, still trying to deny that anything was wrong with her friend. 

"Just because she isn't immortal, doesn't mean she doesn't have a Watcher. Her husband was immortal. We take care of our own and those who belonged to them. That's why I am here. She needs you." 

"Will you watch the bar while I am gone?" Amanda asked as she headed to her room to pack. 

TWELVE HOURS LATER- TORAGO, USA 

Amanda Montrose's strode down the corridors of the hospital, the tails of her long black leather coat whipping behind her like wings. "Lucy Becker's room please?" She asked at the nurses' station. 

"I'm sorry she's only allowed to have family. It's after regular visiting hours." The nurse smiled at the tall woman with the short cropped platinum hair. 

"I am her niece, in from Europe." Amanda lied skillfully as the nurse pointed the way to Lucy's room.   
  
Standing in the shadows of the door Amanda couldn't tear her eyes away from her friend. Multiple lines and tubes were inserted in Lucy. A nasal canula carried oxygen to her, and she was hooked up to monitors that flashed and beeped. Propped up in her bed she looked shrunken and old for the first time in Amanda's memory. 

"Lucy?" Amanda whispered as she took the chair at the side of her bed and held her hand. 

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" Lucy's eyes fluttered open "I didn't want you to know until it was all over. It was one those damn Watchers wasn't it?" 

"Don't blame Joe Dawson. You should have told me yourself when this all started." 

"No, I wanted you to be in Paris, where you need to be, not sitting here watching an old woman die," it was hard to talk, but Lucy was so happy to see her friend. 

"Please no," Amanda begged as tears ran down her cheeks. "Lucy, you can't die." 

"Shhhh baby, its all right, I'm not in any pain," she ran her fingers over Amanda's cheeks to catch her tears. "Don't cry for me. Marco has been waiting for me all this time. I've missed him so much, now we'll be together again." 

"Yes," Amanda cried as she thought about Lucy's immortal husband who had been dead for years. Amanda didn't know what came after death, but she hoped that Lucy was right. "Is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Just hold my hand," a ghost of the her old smile curved Lucy's lips, "and tell me about Nick." 

"I was stupid and foolish and he's gone away," Amanda tried to smile to show Lucy that the hurt was gone, but she could never fool the other woman. 

"Tell me the important things, the ones that you wouldn't tell me before." 

"I love him Lucy. I think I have right from the beginning. I didn't want to and I didn't know what to do about it. That's why I told him the truth about me, not because he was pre-immortal. Then in the end I didn't love him enough," Amanda reached for tissue on the table beside Lucy's bed as fresh tears ran down her face. 

"How can you say that honey? How often did you face the sword to keep him from having to meet his fate?" 

"But it wasn't enough, Lucy. I should have given him a choice. I thought I would have time, so I kept putting it off. Then all of the sudden there was no time. Either, let him die by slow poison and lose him forever; or kill him quickly and make him immortal. I just didn't love him enough to let him go." Bleak brown eyes met Lucy's faded blue ones. 

"That isn't not loving him enough. It's just being human," Lucy smiled. 

"But I'm not human and I should have been stronger than that!" 

"Oh yes you are, just because you're immortal, doesn't mean you're not human. You have feelings too. Though I know you like to hide them if you can," Lucy argued. "And strength, I've never met anyone stronger." 

"You've got me mixed up with someone else," Amanda smiled and brushed a strand of Lucy's gray hair behind her ear. 

"Always trying to be tough to the end," Lucy shook her head. "You forget who you're talking to." 

"What am I going to do without you?" The last two years had taught her more about pain then the preceding thousand put together. 

The depth of Amanda's despair made Lucy suddenly afraid. "Amanda you have to promise me something," Lucy gripped the other woman's hand. Finally understanding what 1000 years of losing people you love might do to you, "you have to promise me you will live." 

"Lucy..." 

"Amanda, you promise me!" Lucy shook the hand she was holding. "I mean it. I'll never speak to you again if you do anything stupid and get yourself killed." 

"I'll be careful," Amanda lowered her eyes as she whispered to Lucy. 

"That's not what I asked. You're strong Amanda. Use that strength to go on. Sometimes it takes more courage to go on living than to die." 

"I promise," Amanda felt a bleak emptiness inside her as she pictured the years without Lucy or Nick. 

"Put your head down and rest, Amanda. I know you're never able to sleep on the Concord. We'll talk more in the morning." Lucy smiled as she felt Amanda put her arm over her hips while she still held tight to her left hand. Lucy's free hand moved slowly through Amanda's short hair. 

"That's it dear, just sleep." Lucy smiled as she was filled with all the maternal love and friendship that she had for this immortal woman.   
  
Sometime in the early morning hours Amanda was awakened by the shrill sounds of a cardiac monitor ringing and the running feet of the nursing staff as they poured into Lucy's room. 

----------------*****************************--------------- 

Amanda stood beside Lucy's grave, numb with shock. Tears were running down her face as she refused to leave. The wind blew cold and rustled leaves at her feet. Clouds had covered the sky and it was starting to rain.   
  
"If I don't leave it won't be real," she kept thinking.   
  
The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she felt Presence. Whoever it was, was standing only a few feet away. She had been so lost in grief that her internal warning system hadn't clicked in. 

"This is holy ground. I will not fight you here," even as she said it, she realized that her sword was back in the apartment. So much for her promise to Lucy, if this immortal wanted her neck, there was no way she could defend herself once she left the cemetery. 

"I would never fight you," Nick Wolf put his hands on Amanda's shoulders turning her gently toward him.   
  
"Nick?" She whispered his name as he pulled her close, unable to hide the tremble that went through her body at his touch. She fought to hide all that she was feeling, but only ended up crying harder. 

"Oh God, Amanda," he couldn't believe the changes in her in the last 18 months. There were dark circles under her eyes and she couldn't stop crying. He wrapped his arms around her and felt how much weight she had lost. "Lets get you out of here, you're cold and wet." 

"NOOO, I can't. I can't leave her all alone," Amanda tried to pull away from Nick to return to Lucy's grave. 

"Amanda," he took her face in his hands and pulled her close. "Amanda, she's not alone, she's with Marco now." He looked deep into her eyes until he was sure she understood him.   
  
Nick had tried to tell himself that he was still angry with Amanda when Joe had contacted him. As long as he kept himself angry, he was able to push aside all the other things he felt for her. He kept telling himself that, all the way across the Atlantic. Maybe if he repeated it enough times, he could convince himself that the only reason he was here was because Lucy was his friend, too. Not the need to see Amanda again, or the worry of what Lucy's death would do to her. 

Though Joe had warned him that Amanda was looking tired, he wasn't prepared for how different she looked. Where was the energetic woman who had crashed into his life and changed it forever? Who was this woman with raw emotions that had cried in his arms? 

When Amanda came out of the bedroom from changing, Nick was straightening the screen in front of the fireplace, the crackle and pop of the fire the only sound in the room. He smelled the fragrance that was a mix of spice and flower that was uniquely Amanda and his heart jumped a beat. 

"You still here?" Amanda pasted a smile on her face and prayed that her quick make-up job covered the ravaged emotions and the slinky white silk robe would distract Nick enough to keep him from looking too closely at what had happened at the cemetery. "Better question, why are you here?" 

"Joe called me, he was worried about..." 

"Champagne, darling," Amanda interrupted him. "There must be some here someplace. Ahh.....yes." She pulled a bottle out of the refrigerator in the bar, careful to keep her back to Nick. 

"Stop this Amanda!" 

Placing the bottle on the counter she picked up a crystal champagne flute and pretended to examine it, "you don't want champagne............?"   
  
"No, I don't want champagne!" He was quickly losing his temper, but had an idea that was what she was trying to do. "I want you to turn around and talk to me," Nick was across the room in two quick strides. He wasn't sure which hurt more, watching Amanda's stiff movements, or hearing the ragged tone of her voice as she tried to push him away. 

"Well, we all have wants, now don't we darling?" She tried to slip past him, his nearness made her shiver. "And I want you to leave, right now!" 

"Not until you turn around and talk to me," Nick's voice was so soft it was almost a caress. 

Anger grabbed Amanda as she turned quickly to face the man she was afraid she would loved until her dying day. "Is this what you wanted to see?" She pointed to the tears running down her face. "If it is, take a good look! Now let's call it even, shall we?" She threw the crystal to the ground shattering it, striding quickly to the door to fling it open. She knew she needed to get him out of the apartment before she fell apart completely. "Leave me alone!"   
  
"No," he slammed the door closed. 

"Please Nick, don't do this to me," she begged. 

"I just want to help you Amanda," He reached for her, but she moved away afraid she would shatter if his touched her again. 

"You were right all along," she cried into her hands as her knees gave out. "I was wrong and I am so very sorry about what I did to you." 

"Shhhh Amanda, it's okay," he pulled her into his arms as she sagged against his body. "Everything will be all right." 

"No, it can't be," Amanda grabbed onto the little strength she had left and pulled back from him. "You see, I loved you, but not enough to let you go. I was selfish, I'm so sorry....." 

"I'm glad," he looked at her remembering the night he had felt so betrayed. He was glad she had made the decision for him, because he would have been to frightened and confused to do so himself. 

"What?" 

"That night when we went to meet Payton," Nick thought back, understanding the truth for the first time in eighteen month. "That night, all I could think of was that if I died, at least I wouldn't have to see you die. When I woke up immortal, I was more afraid than I'd ever been in my life. The thought of losing you tore my insides out. It was easier to push you away than take the chance of ever....." 

"What are you saying?" Amanda's voice cracked afraid she was hearing what she wanted to hear, not what he was really saying. 

"That I love you," Nick leaned over and kissed her forehead. "That I think I've always loved you," he kissed her cheek. "That there is no use in being immortal, if I have to spend the time without you." 

"I love you," she whispered as her hands moved over his back and her mouth reached for his. Somewhere far off, Amanda thought she could hear Lucy saying 'I told you so.' Then she didn't hear anything but Nick for a very long time.   
  



End file.
